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A singular thing

Writer's picture: EkanemEkanem

Updated: Nov 23, 2024



Identity is a very singular thing.


The word singular makes reference to one person or thing. Identity is singular because there is just one you. All the things that make you who you are can never be found in exactly the same composition, measure or expression as in another human being. This speaks to the rarity of the individual human spirit. Identity does not categorise you or group you or box you up. It is actually the thing that frees you. Your identity is freedom, but many times we do not experience it, because we have confined ourselves in someone else's identity.


The ability to truly be free is in our identity. We need to understand the boundaries of that truth. We create the wall when we seek to enter spaces, identities that do not belong to us. For example, I experience so much freedom when I write, when I put pen to paper, when I see the words appearing from the furious, tapping or movement of my fingers, eating up the white miles of paper, releasing and uncovering searching and renewing, finding and receiving. There is so much freedom in that, and nothing can ever take that away from me. It is a thing in which I find my own identity, I have my own way and time and space and place of doing it, and so it does not categorise me or group me. It simply frees me to be who I am.


I am not confined by my birthplace or culture or colour or job status or fanbase, or even by my aspirations, I am simply free in this owned identity, writing and finding pleasure and knowing all of me. When I write I can call forth anything, I can create anything. I am confined by no one because I am in my identity. Toni Morrison said once regarding her writing, "No one tells me what to do, I'm in control. It is my world. It is sometimes wild, the process by which I arrive at something. But nevertheless, it is mine, it is free and its a way of thinking..."

When we discover our identity we are able to find resolve, conviction and truth on our journey that liberates us. People only get to truly enjoy us when we are truly free and therefore our gifts are a doorway to freedom.


Here comes another layer to our very singular identity. It is the human experience, the walk and talk of this very present life, this existence, this state of being the ins and outs of our human limitations that cannot be ignored. This layer consists of the places the learned and lived experience, the career choices, the family status, the cultural heritage, biological realities, etcetera, etcetera but remember this is such a superficial layer. Nevertheless, it is a layer that provides a further yet limited understanding of our identity. In this, we are still singular because no person can ever have the same cultural background, the same experiences, the same family union or status, the same religion, the same aspirations and associations as the next person. These aspects of life are terribly unique to every given individual. I understand from this, that it is my identity that enables my answers, aspirations, ideas, vocation, and unfortunately, sometimes the misconceptions and misrepresentations. This happens because each individual has been predestined before anyone ever knew them, but along the path of life they still have a choice to make freely.


So I find that the space of identity is a vast and continuous one. One that illustrates the infinite nature and consequence of life itself, our ability to express or share identity is such a precious gift. There's no other way to sincerely do it but with love for it is in love we are better able to retain our true identity and acknowledge and honour others.


It is undeniable that our identity is significantly influenced by individual cultures. The places we grow up , the traditions we experience leave an impression on us. However, culture and tradition are not all of who we are, in fact it barely scratches the surface still they are many things we can learn from these aspects of life . I don't always conform to mine though because I have lived over 20 years in a different culture and still grown significantly as a human being and a spirit being.


I grow up in a culture and time where women were often objectified and dare I say conditioned by their physical appearance and in some cases culinary ability. And the men often weighed by their financial capacity or ability. I also think there are many strata in society and the degree to which this happens in each will vary. This has influenced the nature of relationships, making some superficial and limiting the growth potential of each individual.


It was simply impossible to maintain the same mindset or outlook on life relocating to live in the UK . I also didn't have the luxury of Daddy and Mummy or Aunties and Uncles ready to freely give me money simply because I asked. If I was broke I was broke and needed to get a job to not be broke anymore. I had to make my own money to sustain myself. This also meant I became more accountable for my decisions, I created more boundaries to strive well and eventually become more confident in what I could do as a person.


There were no aunties or uncles here, there were jobs and classrooms and people judging what I was really made of not what I looked like or my family background. The judgement was harder because of my skin colour but that only made me more determined. The social and religious landscapes was highly structured and different. For example, you didn't just drop in on people, you made plans to go out and do something together. It was a different way of socialising but it taught me boundaries in a sense contributing to respect for my own. When we learn to be more conscious of our boundaries as a human beings we are learning what it really means to be free. You see with cultivating boundaries and developing yourself comes less obligation to be who people expect you to be and more of who you have learned you are meant to be. You have to give yourself space to do that. A culture that chains you to traditions and assumptions based on historical proclivities will always cut short on freedom.


Think for a while;

What parts of your or any culture have helped you grow ? What parts have not?

What parts do you enjoy and you know have enriched your journey as well as those around you?

What does it really mean to own an identity?


In my experience, identity can be all consuming, a pathway in itself that could either lead us to a brighter days or a darker roads because there are choices we make along the way. Those choices are sometimes driven by the phantoms of a wretched past or by angels and heroes that inspire a new and bright future. It could lead us to discover all of who we are or stay stagnated and not evolving.


Identity is your space, the thing you own before anyone else is known.


It is what often gives us a sense of belonging and even purpose. It infiltrates our passions, builds our voice and spurs our aspiration because it is our space, that energy we vibrate again and again. It is who we are. Identity encounters difference and boldly says hello not get out. Identity shows off amazing colour and desires to see yours. Identity plays and identity loves. Identity has no fear because it knows it is not in competition but here to enhance the composition of humanity and life as we could know it.

Who are we when we grow tired of the challenge of diversity ? Afraid, wary, inpatient, unkind.

For it is in our differences we are able to see a most luminous light - a light that is our speed, a light that really does quicken us. A light that helps to lift up.


Culture can be such a strong aspect of identity - by culture I also mean ancestry. For me, it is my Nigerian upbringing and my religious exposure from a very early age, further more the kind of food I ate, clothing, greeting, faith, social interactions, marriage, hair braiding/dressing, child rearing etc. These formed me significantly yet one day I hit a wall. Rather than ramping myself continuously against the wall to get through to the person I knew was calling me on the other side, I decided to change cause, I decided the direction of my life. That decision to move in an alternate direction from that which those around me would have me take completely changed the landscape of my life. It caused me to re-evaluate my values, my patterns and find my own voice and this has become the process of owning my identity. It is the identity I have chosen not the one others would have preferred to label me with. It is the identity that enables me make better decisions each day, the identity that makes my light shine brighter every day even when the circumstances around me may suggest other wise. It is the identity that empowers me to choose inspiration and become the aspiration along my path everyday.


I know it may seem like we are choosing the identity but I think the identity chooses us before we even know of it and when we discover what it is we can choose to own it fiercely or let go. When we let go, we become a caricature in a sense.


There are several cultural behaviours or traditions I had to unlearn to become who I am and truly own my identity, in the understanding that my identity was not simply my cultural heritage, it wasn't simply the fact I was Nigerian or raised in a Christian home. It wasn't simply that I became a single mom at the age of 32. If I had allowed all those tags to judge my identity I would have been held bound by the societal or worldly conditions of those labels.


This is how I broke past limiting labels

  1. I went quiet. I was quiet for a very long season between the birth of my son being born and the publication of my first book in his 9th year. I spent a lot of time seeking out myself, searching myself but more importantly God's word, the truth and I still do that. The situation of isolation was not one I had planned but was necessary and so I am grateful for it. I needed that space, away from some of the louder voices I had grown up with which were not servicing my true identity.

  2. I cultivated a gift. I had always loved writing and the vicissitude of the seasons in my life had not taken that gift away instead it had given cause for polishing it. I found I could use my gift and love for writing to make sense of a journey that had not been the script I had intended for my life but certainly made me more.

  3. I discovered other passions. I recall starting a badminton group at my workplace many years ago when I joined a new team. I hadn't realised how much I liked the idea of learning new things and people but in a season of being left to figure things out I discovered this and maybe it could be a way of discovering other things about yourself. Put yourself out there and find out. P.S : I am still not great at playing badminton but I cultivated some great relationships in the process.

  4. I worked hard. Faith without works is dead my bible says. We cannot believe for something and do nothing. We have to work for it. Work for who you believe you are cause not one else will.

  5. I cultivated discipline and experienced a changing of appetite. The things that previously excited me didn't anymore as a result of this discipline. This gave room and time to focus on things I needed to and things that aligned with my future vision.

  6. I learnt to speak up for myself and still learning. Our voice matters, we have an internal dialogue going on with ourselves everyday and some of that needs to be shared with the world. This may be as part of establishing justice and fairness for others, cultivating friendships or setting the right boundaries for ourselves.

  7. I cultivated a network of like minded mothers and friends. Networks are so powerful and required in every sphere of live for nurturing, learning, encouragement and support along the journey. The wisdom found in such associated helps us break free from many corrupt root systems.


I could have been limited in my identity as a divorcee, or limited in my identity as a single mum, or as an accountant or as a Nigerian, or a religious Christian or even as a woman but I knew somewhere inside my identity went beyond all that.


I dare you to go deeper into your identity today, beyond the superficial, beyond the labels, beyond the pain, beyond the loss and beyond the fear. I dare you to reach for shores that bring you into a crystallising of your true identity - full of light and so much joy.


Be blessed!

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